IS REJECTION SENSITIVITY CAUSING EXTREME EMOTIONS IN YOUR CHILD?
Rejection sensitivity is an intense but short-lived emotional reaction triggered by a distinct event of real or perceived rejection, criticism, or teasing. For people who have ADHD, rejection sensitivity is one of the most common and disruptive manifestations of emotional dysregulation.
In the brain, rejection sensitivity is like what happens when you touch a hot burner on the stove. As soon as your brain becomes aware of the danger, your body reacts immediately, pulling your hand away. The reaction, which is called a stress response, happens faster than thinking. Even if you don’t get burned, the image of what could have been is seared into your memory. It’s intense and can feel traumatic. The brain is only engaged in stopping the pain and keeping you safe.
This reaction occurs in a primitive part of the brain that doesn’t have access to logic or reason as a counterbalance. It can’t tell the difference between something dangerous like a hot stove and something unpleasant or uncomfortable like strong emotions. Furthermore, the brain can’t think when this response is triggered. So, in the same way you wouldn’t let your hand rest on a hot burner to explore the pain, we can’t expect kids to be able to process or explain their reactions at the moment.
A majority of people who have ADHD are overly sensitive to what other people think or say about them. This feature is so common that it’s been named Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria or RSD. RSD is not a medical diagnosis, it’s a way of describing this cluster of emotional symptoms that are associated with ADHD.
RSD happens when the brain reacts to real or perceived rejection, criticism, or teasing as if it's a hot stove. And for people with ADHD, any sense of rejection, criticism, or falling short and failing to meet their own high standards or others’ expectations can trigger this stress response and cause an emotional reaction that's much more extreme than usual. For some, just the thought of being in a situation that could potentially result in criticism or correction is so difficult, it’s paralyzing.
Without a doubt, dealing with this high level of emotional intensity has been one of the most difficult parts of my own ADHD parenting journey. I can’t count the number of times I responded to my daughter’s rejection sensitivity by explaining “There’s no reason to be so upset...” But in doing this, I invalidated her experience Every. Single. Time.
It’s natural for parents to want to fix problems with advice, lectures, or ego boosts but the reality is that brains can’t think when emotional intensity is high. Super strong emotions block learning. So instead of advising, parents need to be listening and validating the emotions they see in their child. Instead of lecturing, parents need to be understanding of what situation or experience has their child so very upset. Accepting their strong emotions in the moment is what helps kids cope with rejection sensitivity and eventually learn how to regulate their own emotions. I know firsthand that this is HARD work for parents. I also know that it’s a lot easier when you have the support of a parenting coach who gets it to guide you.
